life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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