Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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