I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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