i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
