The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
