Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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