and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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