I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
