i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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