How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
