2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
