Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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