Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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