i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
wow bdsm is so cute
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
