so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
