Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
