I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
