hell yes lets make some ravioli
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
