You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
