this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
PANTIES FOUND
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
