So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
