The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We need to get me chipped asap
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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