Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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