Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
