"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
