I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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