My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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