I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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