I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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