I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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