Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You can't special order awesome
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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