Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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