Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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