I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
