Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I love you.
Bad choice
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
