At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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