he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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