my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We need a shit load of segways right now
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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