I accidentally had phone sex last night
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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