I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I think my moral compass just broke
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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