meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
