just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
