i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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