I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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