I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Can you repeat that, but with context?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
