he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
