Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
