Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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