new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
