you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
jump out the window naked night went bad
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
