He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She bit a glass in half.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
